


Smaug the Terrible... Hamster?

by alkjira



Series: Animal AUs [11]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Allergies, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Animal Transformation, Bilbo Baggins & Smaug Friendship, Fix-It, Fluff and Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-05 04:43:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3106421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/pseuds/alkjira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Allergic reactions occur when a person's immune system reacts to normally harmless substances in the environment.<br/>Symptoms include red eyes, itchiness, and runny nose, eczema, hives, or turning into a hamster.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smaug the Terrible... Hamster?

**Author's Note:**

> (did someone say hamster!!?)
> 
> It's not unusual, but I blame diemarysues for this  
> I'm fairly sure she first sent me the art that you can find at the below link:
> 
>  
> 
> [Hamster-of-Erebor](http://piippab.deviantart.com/art/Hamster-of-Erebor-390254317)
> 
>  
> 
> And I knooow she talked about this idea with me <3 and listened to me whine when Smaug was being a dumb.

Bilbo had been very, _very_ sure that he’d been about to die. So sure that his life had been flashing before his eyes, or at least the last six months of it because there had been a lot of Thorin mixed up in there. A little too much for all of his fifty years to have been on display.

“ _There_ you are, _thief_ in the shadows,” Smaug had said, looking at him with one of his huge golden eyes.  
  
Bilbo’s knees had been shaking, as had his hands, and the rest of him too for that matter.  
  
“I-“ Bilbo had wondered what to say to a Dragon that would cause it not to want to eat you. The parasite thing had worked before with the Trolls but-  
  
Then Smaug had sneezed.  
  
-

As Bilbo made his way out of the mountain his gait could be described to be a little… unsteady. Much in the way that Thorin could be said to be a _little_ stubborn.  
  
It was not the kind of unsteady that indicated that he’d found the long-forgotten supply of ale and mead sure to exist somewhere in Erebor’s halls. Nor did he appear to be injured, something that greatly pleased the thirteen Dwarfs waiting for him, and one of them in particular thanked Mahal and all the Valar beneath his breath as his hands started to itch with the need to make certain that Bilbo had not come to harm during his time inside Erebor.  
  
No, what made Bilbo’s steps appear strange was likely the fact that he had his entire attention focused on the golden goblet he carried in his hand, and on the richly decorated plate that he’d balanced on top of said goblet.

He walked quickly, but very methodically, like one would do if the goal was to get somewhere fast but without any unfortunate incidents.

"Did you find the dragon?” Kíli asked, taking a step forward.  
  
“Is it dead?" Fíli questioned, putting one hand on his brother’s shoulder.

“I-“ Bilbo hesitated. “I-“  
  
“Are you hurt?” Thorin brushed past both of his nephews, eyes intent on his burglar, his hobbit, his-  
  
“Wait!” Bilbo said flinching backwards. “Just- wait. A moment. Please.” He licked his lips and glanced down at the goblet. “You are not going to believe me until you see it.”

“Is it the dragon, lad?” Balin asked, meaning 'Is it something _related_ to the dragon?' But his words were so much more right than he could imagine, but still so wrong.  
  
“In a matter of speaking, yes,” Bilbo said faintly. “Is there- could we go somewhere with doors? That that be closed. And no windows.”  
  
Thorin and Dwalin traded a wary look.  
  
“It’s quite safe, I promise you,” Bilbo rushed to explain.  
  
“The dragon _is_ dead then?” Fíli’s hand tightened on Kíli’s shoulder and the younger Dwarf brought his own hand up to cover his brother’s.

“There is no dragon inside Erebor,” Bilbo promised. “I swear on- on- on the hair on my feet!“  
  
“That is not necessary,” Thorin interrupted. The King looked to Balin. “You know the way. Lead us to such as a room as our burglar requests.”  
  
Balin nodded. “That should be no problem. Come on lads, off we go. Erebor awaits.”  
  
Bilbo glanced nervously at Thorin as the Dwarf stopped in front of him and bowed his head before cupping Bilbo's cheek.  
  
“Thank you, Bi-“  
  
Everyone froze at the loud hissing coming from the goblet, followed by a small sneeze.  
  
“Oh no,” Bilbo murmured, shoulders slumping. “He’s woken up.”

-  
  
What had happened, and the story Bilbo rushed to tell as he carried the hissing goblet inside the mountain, was indeed hard to believe.  
  
Smaug’s giant head had been so close, so close. Close enough to stretch forward and snap the Hobbit up in the space of heartbeat.  
  
But… instead he had sneezed. A sneeze powerful enough to press Bilbo back against the wall by which he’d been standing. And when the Hobbit opened his eyes again, the dragon had been gone, leaving Bilbo gaping in shock.  
  
Left on the golden heaps of treasure in front of Bilbo’s feet there’d been a creature so small he’d not even seen it until one of its small red wings flapped as it fell on its side in a dead faint.  
  
Not knowing what else to do Bilbo found a large golden goblet and used it to scoop up the furry little thing. Frantically looking around, hopping and sliding over piles of golden coins, Bilbo eventually found a plate of a good size to use as a lid.  
  
Then, that business handled, he took a few moments to bend over with his hands braced on his knees and just _breathe_ , before he too fainted.

-

“We need to kill it.”  
  
“You can’t kill it.”  
  
“I _can_ ,” Thorin snarled. “Believe me when I say that I will have no trouble killing that- that-“  
  
“Defenceless creature!” Bilbo protested, waving his free arm in Thorin's general direction. “And he’s harmless now.”

At this there came an angry hiss from the goblet and the plate covering it moved just a little before Bilbo more firmly pressed his hand on top of it.

They had all gathered inside a small room, Bofur and Nori finding two old torches to banish the dark.

“I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL!” Came a mighty squeak from the goblet.  
  
“You are not _helping_ ,” Bilbo hissed.

“Bilbo you can’t seriously think it can be allowed to live,” Thorin said, curling his fingers around Bilbo’s wrist.  
  
“I can,” Bilbo replied, chin raised and chest puffed out.  
  
“REMOVE THE _THIEF_ AND LET ME OUT AND I WILL-“  
   
“We need to kill it now, before it turns back into a dragon!” Thorin growled. Bilbo tore his hand away from Thorin’s grasp and - eyes flashing - opened his mouth to reply, but Balin got there first.  
  
“I think we’ll be quite safe as long as Bilbo is around,” Balin said slowly.  
  
Inside the goblet, the no-longer-a-dragon Smaug sneezed again.

-  
  
Almost an hour of arguing later they’d not really gotten much further.  
  
“You can’t _know_ that Balin is right,” Thorin gritted out as he pinched at the bridge of his nose to ward off a headache. “A dragon with an allergy to Hobbits? I’ve heard anything quite so ridiculous.”  
  
“I’m certainly not going to experiment and go away just to see if he turns back into a dragon,” Bilbo huffed. “That would be foolish.”  
  
“ _That_ would be foolish?” Thorin said, folding his arms over his chest. “ _THAT_?”  
  
“Do not yell at me,” Bilbo said, mirroring Thorin’s stance and crossing his own arms. “And do not think that you can tell me what to do. I’m your-“ the Hobbit waved his hand about. “Intended, or something. Not your servant.”  
  
“You are not my _something_ ,” Thorin growled. “You are my _everything_.”  
  
In a corner Dori, who like everyone else was watching the ‘discussion’, sighed happily over the romantic pledge.

“Yes, well,” Bilbo said, somewhat flustered. “Good.”  
  
Silence fell over the room, for a few moments, then the plate that had been covering the goblet fell to the floor with a bang as Bilbo was no longer guarding it.  
  
Eyes glittering with rage Smaug got his front paws over the edge of the goblet. He flapped his wings, jumped, and… fell to the floor with a barely audible thud.

“Guess they’re only for decoration?” Bofur said, looking down at the former dragon lying on his back.  
  
“Oh dear,” Bilbo said and rushed to pick him up before Thorin ‘accidentally’ would step on the poor little thing.

“I AM _DEATH_!” Smaug peeped, a tiny flame erupting from his mouth, succeeding only at lightning himself on fire. Bilbo yelped, hurriedly licking his fingers so he could pinch them over the smoking whiskers.  
  
Winged-hamster hissing with rage in hands Bilbo turned back to Thorin, “I _will_ take him back to the Shire if I have to,” Bilbo said, eyes narrowed in a fearsome glare.  
  
To the casual observer it would be as fearsome as the growl of a kitten, but to Thorin it told the story of no more kisses, _ever_ , should he chose the wrong path, and he was suitably cowed.  
  
“And I will _stay_ in the Shire,” Bilbo continued, ignoring how Smaug switched from hissing to instead start wailing about losing his treasure. Bilbo’s gaze then softened.  
  
“Thorin, I can’t let you kill him. Not like this. And I hardly think letting him turn back into a dragon and giving it a go then is a good option.”  
  
“I do not wish for you to leave,” Thorin said, in the greatest understatement of the Age.  
  
“And I don’t want to leave,” Bilbo said, turning his face into Thorin’s hand as it cupped his cheek.  
  
And _that’s_ how Smaug was allowed to stay in Erebor.

-  
  
Gandalf tried to take the credit for Smaug being allergic to Hobbits, but everyone knew that the Wizard was a big, grey faker.  
  
The people of Laketown was remarkably more cheerful when a dragon did not come to burn their town to ashes, and Thranduil’s disposition improved greatly when he was given the jewels he’d been wanting for so long.  
  
“Really?” Bilbo said, staring at Thorin with a deeply unimpressed look on his face. “He wants them because they used to belong to his dead wife and you’re planning on telling him no despite having chest after chest of jewels? _Really_?”  
  
No, not really.  
  
Thranduil was also very impressed by Bilbo’s tale of how the mighty dragon Smaug had been vanquished, or close enough for it to still count.  
  
“If only the Hobbits had been around during the First War,” Thranduil said, his gaze distant, and Thorin wrapped his arm around Bilbo’s waist in a way that was not subtle at all.  
  
If Thranduil wanted a Hobbit he had to get his own.  
  
“I will BURN your FOREST,” Smaug said sulkily from his place at Bilbo’s feet. Bifur had made a little leash and harness for him, something Bilbo found sweet but which Smaug hated with a passion.  
  
Thus Thorin rather enjoyed it as well.  
  
“One leaf at the time?” Thranduil asked, one elegant eyebrow climbing high on his forehead.  
  
-

  
With such good relationships to their neighbours it was possible that Dáin’s arrival would not have been required to fight off the Azog-led armies, but it certainly helped speed things up a bit.  
  
And a year later, Bilbo woke up in Erebor, yawned and stretched and upon noting that the other side of the bed was empty he instead looked towards his side table where Smaug’s cage was placed.  
  
“Morning,” Bilbo said and hid another yawn behind his hand.  
  
There was just a short stumpy tail visible, the rest of Smaug was buried beneath the golden coins that covered the bottom of his cage.

“Death,” came the sleepy mutter in reply, followed by a sneeze and Bilbo chuckled.

“Biscuits for breakfast?”  
  
“Yessssss.”  
  
-  
  
Bilbo wasn’t entirely sure, but he believed that Smaug might have actually grown a bit fond of him.  
  
The former dragon allowed no one but Bilbo to touch him, even if that didn’t really make sense as he would only turn back into a dragon if he stayed _away_ from Bilbo. But whereas Bilbo was even allowed to pet him he tried to bite Thorin if the Dwarf got anywhere near enough. And he set fire to Thorin’s slippers every chance that he got.  
  
Thorin was not surprised. About the slipper nor about the fondness Smaug had for Bilbo.  
  
Entirely too many people and creatures adored his Hobbit, little wonder that he’d even curry a dragon’s favour by refusing to kill him and then making sure he was given enough treasure to be content.  
  
Luckily it took a lot less treasure to satisfy something hamster-sized compared to something dragon-sized.

-  
  
There was one unfortunate event though.  
  
Whenever Bilbo had to leave Erebor and for various reasons could not bring Smaug with him (everyone did not appreciate having dragons-turned-hamsters as houseguests) he usually left an item of clothing or his pocket handkerchief in Smaug’s cage as to stop the former dragon from turning into a current dragon.  
  
(Bilbo’s original suggestion had been to leave a lock of hair, something Thorin had vetoed immediately.)  
  
Anyway, on this particular instance the handkerchief was _lost_ , and Bilbo’s clothes had all been recently washed, thus catastrophe loomed on the horizon. Possibly anyway.  
  
No one knew for sure how long it would take for Smaug to turn back into a dragon, but no one felt like taking any chances and Thorin sent his quickest messengers to bring Bilbo back from Laketown.  
  
But they weren’t quick enough.  
  
Strangely, the newly restored dragon ignored all the soldiers trying to poke sharp things at him and instead slunk off to the treasure chambers (as much as something that size can slink anywhere) and that’s where Bilbo found him when he returned that evening.  
  
Thorin had of course tried to forbid him from going into the treasure chambers, but it worked about as well as it ever did when he tried to forbid Bilbo to do something, that is to say, not at all.  
  
“Smaug?” Bilbo called as he stepped out into the treasure chamber.  
  
“You are small,” rumbled the dragon, and gold and gems clinked as he moved. “Very small.”  
  
He almost sounded accusing, and Bilbo frowned. “Well, not all of us can be as impressive and humongous as you.”  
  
“You will not be able to rub my belly if I remain in this form.”  
  
Bilbo blinked. “No, no I will not.”  
  
“And there will not be enough biscuits to still my hunger.”  
  
“I would think not,” Bilbo agreed, unable to stop himself from taking a step backwards when Smaug’s head surfaced from a pile of golden coins. The Hobbit swallowed. “Thank you for not hurting anyone. And I hear the damage to the halls were minimal."  
  
“Hmmph,” the dragon scoffed.  
  
“I’ll just-“ Bilbo squirmed out of his coat. “I’ll leave this right here, and I’ll come check on you again in an hour, all right?”  
  
-  
  
An hour later Bilbo carried a much diminished Smaug from the treasure chambers.  
  
“Time for tea, I think,” Bilbo said and stroked his finger along Smaug’s back and down a leathery little wing.  
  
"Bisssscuitssss," Smaug hissed and climbed up to sit on Bilbo's shoulder.

**Author's Note:**

> (warning, long author's note, this is the second fic I post today, so it's the second 'anniversary' fic)
> 
> My first fanfic started out as a prompt, from me to someone else to write.
> 
> Then it got really long. 
> 
> So I posted it as a story here on AO3 instead of at the kink meme as I had first intended. 
> 
> I didn't really think it was a story, much less a good one, but hey, I had written it so why not inflict it on other people. 
> 
> Then diemarysues popped up in the comment section and helped me make it better, and I'm very happy about that not only because the story got better but also as we've pretty much been stuck at the hip ever since, as much as two people living on separate continents can be at least. 
> 
> And now it is suddenly two years later and I've written over a _million_ words in the hobbit fandom, which is insane. 
> 
> Thanks for reading everyone, and special thanks to commenters, because nothing beats that sort of feedback :)  
> lol though author subscriptions has a special place in my heart as I feel like I'm collecting minions or something.  
> Hi minions! There's ~~231~~ 233 of you now and I love you. 
> 
> And thank you to everyone I've gotten to know, and a huuuuuge thank you to diemarysues, without you I probably wouldn't be in the fandom. ily honey
> 
> also, HAMSTERS


End file.
